Who Am I Now
by Nitrowugs
Summary: How many times will Buffy have to give up her life and how many times will she have to lose the love of her life before she can live, or die, in peace? Why are there always others who want to make those decisions for her? Story looks at different times in the slayer's life and the change in direction each caused.
1. So Much Pain

Who Am I Now

Author: Nitrowugs

Rating: PG

Pairings: B/A

Feedback: Please. Constructive criticism is always welcomed and appreciated.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with BtVS and AtS. Characters, plots, and dialogue from the shows are borrowed with no infringement intent whatsoever.

Distribution: Please ask and let me know where it's going.

Started: 10/13/2012

Summary: How many times will Buffy have to give up her life and how many times will she have to lose the love of her life before she can live, or die, in peace? Why are there always others who want to make those decisions for her? Story looks at different times in the slayer's life and the change in direction each caused.

A/N1: BtVS happened up to the end of 'After Life' in season 6. AtS happened up through 'That Old Gang of Mine' in season 3. The story goes AU after that.

A/N2: Thoughts are in single quotes (' ')

Chapter 1 – So Much Pain

Part 1

Willow really didn't want to call Angel for help and Xander was outspoken as usual about not wanting the vampire back in Sunnydale, but she had pretty much run out of ideas regarding Buffy. Since they 'rescued' the slayer was from what they assumed was hell, she was withdrawn and not willing to accept any support they tried to give her. She stayed in her room alone most of the time and avoided speaking to anyone whenever possible.

Without letting anyone know she was doing it, Willow had tried several spells on the slayer to help her forget where she had been in hope that she would snap out of the mood that she was in; nothing had worked and Giles was no help at all. He just kept saying that they had to give Buffy more time. At first he seemed happy to have his slayer back, but as time went on, it seemed that all he could think about was returning to his home in London. At this point it looked like Angel might be their last hope.

Willow checked the clock on the wall in the kitchen of the Summers house on Revello Drive where most of them were living. It was past sunset; Angel would be up by now. She felt that she should make the call before Xander arrived, so she quickly dialed the number for Angel Investigations and listened as the phone rang several times before Cordelia's cheerful voice came over the line.

"Angel Investigations, we help the helpless; how can we help you?"

Willow was not so cheerful and she did not have time for idle chit-chat; she got right to the reason for her call. "Hi, Cordelia, it's Willow. May I speak to Angel please?"

"Willow? Hi, how are you?" Cordelia was so happy to hear from her old friend that she did not notice the urgency in Willow's voice.

"I'm fine. Is Angel there?"

This time noticing Willow's response, Cordelia knew right away that something was wrong. "Sure. Just a minute." She muted the phone and called Angel who was just coming out of Wesley's office. "Angel, it's Willow, she … "

Before she could finish the sentence, Angel was across the room and reaching for the phone. He had been having the most vivid dreams about Buffy recently and he just knew that a call from Willow meant that something was not right in Sunnydale.

Cordelia released the mute button and passed the receiver to him. Although she could only hear Angel's side of the conversation, she could tell by the look on his face that what she feared, after recognizing the urgency in Willow's voice, was correct - something was seriously wrong. Angel hung up the phone and spoke to everyone in an urgent voice.

"I'm going to Sunnydale. If you want to come with me, be ready to go in fifteen minutes." Without waiting for a reply, he turned and headed up the stairs to retrieve the special items he thought he might need and the travel bag that he kept packed for emergencies.

Everyone scrambled to be ready when Angel came back downstairs. When he returned twelve minutes later, Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn and Fred were waiting for him. They locked up the Hyperion Hotel, piled into Angel's car and headed north for the highway leading to Sunnydale.

"Angel, what did Willow say? Is something wrong in Sunnydale?" Wesley, Buffy's former watcher, wanted to know.

"She didn't say much, just that they had brought Buffy back and something was wrong with her, they didn't know what else to do, Giles wasn't any help and I was their last hope."

"WHAT?"

"Oh, gods."

"Poor Buffy."

"They can't even let the slayer rest in peace."

These and other words of surprise, sympathy and concern were heard in the car, but no one had any idea how they were going to help when they got to Sunnydale.

In the meantime in Sunnydale Willow turned away from the kitchen phone just as Xander and Anya entered. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights of an on-coming car.

"Xander! I didn't hear you come in."

"Will, what did you do?"

"You know what she did, Xander," Anya told him; "she called Angel to come and help Buffy."

Willow looked at Xander expecting him to be upset because she went behind his back to call Angel.

Instead Xander said, "Good. That's good."

Willow was confused. "Good? I thought you would be upset."

"Will, I want Buffy to get better and I'm for anything and anybody that can help that happen, even if it's Angel."

Part 2

Buffy knew when Angel entered Sunnydale; her internal "Angel Alert" went off and she sat straight up in her bed. There was no way she could continue trying to rest knowing he was near. She walked over to the mirror on her dresser, looked at herself and thought ruefully, 'I hope he doesn't run when he sees me.' She said a quick prayer as she prepared herself to exit her bedroom. 'Please help me to get through this.' She didn't know whether or not anyone was listening, she certainly hoped so. Just before she opened the door, she heard, Kendra's voice.

"Don't worry, Buffy; we're with you."

She looked up and saw her friends in the higher realms – Kendra, Jenny, Alonna, her cousin, Celia and her mother, Joyce and the sight of them gave her courage.

"Thanks, you guys; I knew that I could count on you."

She opened the door and headed for the stairs that lead down to her living room.

Outside Angel pulled his car up in front of the Summers house, got out and headed for the door, leaving the rest of his AI team to follow.

He entered the house just as Buffy came down the stairs. Upon seeing her his automatic response was to approach her, to take her into his arms and hold her, but she threw her arms up across her body in a defensive posture and backed away from him.

"Don't, please, don't touch me, I can't stand it."

"See," Willow told Angel; "she's like that with everybody. She's been like that for days, ever since we brought her back from hell and no matter what I try, it doesn't help."

Angel looked at the slayer; he couldn't see her eyes because her head was down so he reached out to her with his vampire senses. This was Buffy all right, but she did not have the smell of death and hell covering her. She smelled like … 'Oh gods, it can't be true; please don't let it be true.'

"Willow, how did you know where to find Buffy? Why did you think she was in hell?"

All eyes turned to the witch; no one in Sunnydale had even considered that Buffy might not've been in hell, after all, Willow knew what she was doing.

"What? She jumped into that portal to Glori's dimension; where else would she have gone?"

At this point Cordelia spoke up and said, "In other words you assumed; you made an assumption and acted on it without checking first."

Wesley was appalled. "Why would the soul of a slayer be sent to hell, especially one who had fulfilled her duty for six years and who died to save others? The Powers wouldn't do that."

By now Willow wasn't so sure that her reasoning had been as sound as she first thought, but she was not willing to admit that she had made such a gross error in judgment. "I was trying to save her from being tormented in some hell dimension; I couldn't just leave her there when I had the power to get her out."

In a round about way it was Anya who came to Willow's defense. "We should never have done that spell. I told you we shouldn't have helped her. She couldn't have done the spell by herself, so we are all to blame. We were so anxious to have Buffy back, we just accepted that Willow was right."

"I _was_ right; I know that she was in hell just like Angel was. You'd think she'd be grateful to be back, but she acts as though we've done her some great dis-service. Angel, since you know what it's like to spend time in hell, we thought maybe you could help her."

Buffy couldn't take it any longer. "Stop. Please stop. You don't know what you're talking about. I didn't go to hell or to a hell dimension or to anything like that. I went to heaven itself. Compared to heaven, this … earth … is the worst kind of hell."

The others in the room were shocked silent at her words.

"So don't stand there and tell me I should be grateful to be back. I'm not. Just getting through the next minute, the next second, is torture."

Buffy was trembling. She interlaced her fingers and brought her hands up to her chest as she bent her head to rest her chin on her hands.

"Uhmm..." Closing her eyes she moaned as severe pain coursed through her entire body; it was as though every fiber of her being was on fire. She took long slow breaths trying to force herself to be calm, hoping it would ease the pain. She opened her eyes again and spoke softly.

"I'm sorry. It's just that ... feeling ... these clothes, … hearing … your voices, is torture to me, and all I can do is hope that I can go back to where I was. Don't you see? There is no way for me to be grateful for what you all did, regardless of your intentions."

She turned to Willow specifically. "Please don't try using your magic on me again; it won't work, … and I don't like it."

"You know that I've used magic on you?"

"Several times. I didn't know what it was at first; … it felt like something was scratching at my skin, at my mind, … trying to get inside. When I realized what it was, I just turned it off."

"You turned it off?" Willow was offended. "What do you mean you turned it off?"

"I blocked it, so at least that doesn't hurt me anymore. Now it's just an annoyance. I hope that eventually I'll be able to turn everything else off so that things don't hurt me any more, but for right now all sounds – noises, voices, even the softest music – hurt me so much I can barely stand it. Clothes, bedding, human touch all feel worse than sandpaper scraping against my skin."

Willow could feel the power of her magic within herself and tiny sparks sizzled from her fingertips as she tried to control her emotions. "An annoyance? What the hell do you mean an annoyance?"

"Willow, back off," Tara said with some urgency.

"She can't just turn off my magic. Are you saying that you're on her side?"

"This isn't about sides, Will; this is about what's right and what's not. Anya's right; we should never have done that spell. Can't you see what she is? She has some kind of glamour on herself so that we won't be hurt by the sight of her."

Buffy showed a faint hint of a smile at Tara, the first any of them had seen from her since her return. She walked over to Tara and gently touched her index finger to Tara's cheek. Tara felt a warm glow spread throughout her body; she nodded at Buffy and returned her smile, but she didn't say anything.

Anya approached Buffy and looked at her closely. The coins she was holding dropped from her hand and Buffy caught them before they hit the floor as Anya continued to stare at her. Buffy returned the coins to her and Anya took a deep breath.

"We really are hurting you, aren't we? I'm sorry; I should've recognized it before. I'll leave."

"What? Wait. What do you mean you'll leave?" Xander asked Anya and then turned to Buffy. "Why does Anya have to leave?"

Without answering him, Buffy spoke to Anya, "Open your hand."

Anya did so revealing the coins that were just returned to her. Buffy briefly touched one of the coins and a soft light spread from them and through Anya's whole body. A bright smile lit Anya's face and she said, "Thank you," as she stepped away from the slayer.

"You're welcome."

"What did she do to you," Xander asked Anya.

"I could always feel remnants of the vengeance demon within me, even though I didn't have any of its power; she removed that. Now, for the first time, I feel completely human. I understand things so much better. I can see why you kept correcting me and why people found me so annoying."

Anya's happiness showed by the smile on her face.

Buffy then addressed the group gathered in her living room. "I have tried to reserve my strength over the past few days because there is something that I need to say to each of you before I leave."

"Leave? Buffy, don't go; please don't leave me again." Dawn couldn't control the tears.

She touched Dawn's hand with her right index finger before she spoke. "The key's energy has been returned to its source. You have a choice, stay here or join the rest of your family."

Dawn suddenly remembered her real family, her parents and her baby brother. She squealed with joy. "I want to join my family."

Buffy touched her again and she disappeared.

Xander asked, "Where did Dawn go?"

"To join her family – her real family. When the monks created her, they simply reached for a human soul, they didn't care whose. Since she had just died, her soul was easiest to reach."

"Who is Dawn," Willow wanted to know.

Xander thought for a moment and replied, "I don't know who Dawn is. I don't know why I asked that."

With Dawn's disappearance, the remembrance of her in the minds of most of the people who knew her also disappeared. Only Buffy remembered her.

Since she was standing closest to her, Buffy addressed Cordelia first. "You must pursue the right goals, Cordy; then, and only then, will you be successful and happy."

"Thank you Buffy. I have to decide what those goals are, don't I?"

"Yes. You do."

She then spoke to Gunn: "Continue your fight, Charles Gunn. Alonna asked me to tell you that she is very proud of you. She and your parents sent you a little gift." She touched his hand quickly.

Gunn felt as if he had been physically and mentally super charged. "Whoa!" He smiled but didn't let the others know what had happened to him. "Tell them I said thanks and they'd better be good up there."

Buffy looked up and gave a little smile. "I'm not telling him _that__._"

"1 can just imagine what they said," Gunn told Buffy who smiled again.

Wesley was next. "You are on the right course, Wesley. Stay there; your contribution does not go unnoticed."

Wesley was almost speechless. Had the Powers noticed him? "Thank you, Buffy. I will continue to do my best."

She stared at Fred for long moments, then spoke to her in her mind. "You have a decision to make. Choose wisely. If you choose poorly, you will hurt all three of you in the long run."

Fred knew what she was talking about, she was just torn regarding the decision she had to make. She loved Gunn and Wesley; how could she choose between them?

Willow knew when it was her turn. She felt uneasy about hearing the advice that Buffy had for her because she had a good idea what it would be and she was not sure she could take Buffy's recommendations. She did not want her magic restricted. She had come so far in a short period of time. Buffy's voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Willow, you must learn to control the power of the magic within you or it will destroy you. Go to Giles. He can help you, but you must make the effort to ask for help and you must be willing to accept it; he cannot do it for you."

Willow nodded her head briefly then spoke. "Okay. I'm sorry, Buffy; I thought I was doing the right thing."

"I know, Will. It's just so difficult being back here, knowing what I've lost."

Moving on, Buffy spoke to Xander next. "You don't have to worry, Xander, you will never be like him."

Xander looked at her questioningly at first and then it dawned on him what she meant. He had always worried that he would turn out like his father; Buffy had just assured him that he would not. He almost took a step toward her to give her a thank you hug, but realized what he was doing and stepped back. He merely said, "Thanks, Buff."

She smiled at him briefly, nodded and turned to face her watcher.

"You and Merrick were the best watchers a slayer could have. You are still a watcher; your slayer will be here in a few days. You two need to give each other a second chance."

"Faith?" Giles asked feeling that he already knew the answer.

Buffy confirmed his suspicions with a nod of her head.

Before she could say anything else, Angel spoke up and asked, "What of me, Buffy?"

"I have a message for you too, Angel; the message is this -

"I love you. I am waiting for you; _we_ are waiting for you."

She hesitated for a few moments before speaking again, waiting for him to realize who sent the message. She could tell when he did; he stood a little taller and his eyes glistened with unshed tears.

"S-She has forgiven me? Kathy has forgiven me?"

"They never blamed you; they are proud of you. Make your own decisions, Angel; let your mind and your heart guide you and do not allow others to make decisions for you. You were on the right path for a while, but you've taken some detours. I'm sure that you know what those are. Your work here is not done. Follow your heart and make the decisions that are right for you."

"You are my heart, Buffy."

She lightly touched his chest over his heart. Angel could feel the difference in his body; he knew that his soul was now bound to his body so that he could never lose it. He looked at her.

"This means nothing to me without you."

"If we are meant to be together, then we will find each other again."

"I love you, Buffy"

"I love you, Angel"

"Where will you go?"

"I don't know. I have to learn to live in this world again. I'm not a slayer anymore; I haven't been a slayer since I was drowned by Ness. I just have to figure out how to live with what I am now."

Still chafing from what Buffy said about her magic being an annoyance, Willow did not want to believe what she was saying about not being a slayer.

"What do you mean you haven't been a slayer since you were drowned by Ness? You were as strong as you ever were after Xander revived you."

"No, Willow, after Ness drowned me, I was stronger than before. I had been dead just long enough to receive a small amount of the power that I would eventually receive if I had stayed dead, the power that would help me transition."

She turned to look at the rest of them, ending with Giles as she spoke.

"Didn't any of you wonder why I didn't need any recovery time after being dead for at least a few minutes, why I was on my feet and ready to go instantly? Well that's what I found out this time around."

"So you're saying that you have angel powers now?" Xander asked incredulously.

Without answering him, Buffy said, "Look guys, I don't want to hurt any of you, so I have to go. I really can't stay here."

Angel's heart was breaking. The thought of not seeing Buffy again was still fresh in his mind even after spending months at a monastery in Tibet. Now to learn that she was back and to get his hopes up only to lose her all over again was almost more than he could bear.

"Buffy, is there anything that I, that any of us, can do for you before you leave?"

"No," she said regretfully; "I'm just in so much pain right now, I-I have to get away from here."

"But where will you go, Buffy?" Willow asked. "There're people everywhere you go."

"I know of a place; I just have to get there...umh"

It wasn't until that moment, when she moaned, that the others realized just how much pain she was in.

Angel couldn't stand it.

"I'll take you, wherever you need to go, let me take you ... "

"No. thank you, I-I'll be fine." She looked into his eyes, trying to convey her love and her regret.

Buffy walked shakily to the door, then turned to face her friends.

"Take c-care of yourselves; I-I hope that we s-see each other again. Goodbye."

She walked out and closed the door behind her.

Cordelia's concern showed in her words. "She's in so much pain; I've never seen Buffy like this before."

"She didn't take any weapons or anything and it's nighttime. We'd better …" Gunn started to say but was cut off by Angel.

"It's okay, Gunn; she's already gone."

End of Chapter 1


	2. Unexpected Support

Who Am I Now

Chapter 2 - Unexpected Support

Part 1

Buffy didn't know how she got here; one minute she was walking out the front door of her house in Sunnydale and the next minute she was walking up to the front door of a house she was sure she had never seen before. The house looked huge, bigger than the Crawford Street mansion in Sunnydale, and she could tell that there were several people inside, however, she could also tell that this was where she belonged; these were the people that could help her adjust to life on earth again.

Before she could ring the doorbell, the door opened and in front of her stood someone she had never met before, but someone whose face was almost as familiar as her own mother's face. When her mother, Joyce, was alive, they often looked at family photographs and her mother reminded Buffy many times that she had been named after Joyce's favorite grandmother.

"G-Grand-m-mother Elizabeth?" Buffy stumbled over the words. This couldn't be her great-great-grandmother, it just couldn't be. This woman looked like Buffy hoped to look if she lived to be a senior citizen. She was about Buffy's height with beautiful long white tresses, a slim figure, a welcoming smile and beautiful hazel green eyes.

"Come in, dear," the woman said; "we've been waiting for you."

As Buffy stepped into the house somewhere in the back of her mind was the thought that all she felt here was peace and love, none of the torturous discomfort that she had endured the past week in Sunnydale.

"I see you recognize me. Does the family still have that picture of me in the green dress?"

"Yes. Mom was the keeper of the heritage book since she was the oldest of her sisters and brothers. She passed it on to me before she died. You look exactly the same. I look just like you in that picture; I guess that's why mom always called me Buffy."

"Thank you, dear; that was the best picture we had of me at the time. What a lovely tribute to have one of my descendants named after me.

"Come; lets go into the next room so you can meet the rest of your family members who are here to help you."

She put her arm around Buffy's shoulders and led her into a beautiful family room; it reminded Buffy of the family room in her grandmother's house in Boston.

Buffy stopped and pulled away when they entered the room. In front of her were four other familiar family members that she had either known as a child or she recognized from the family heritage book. There was Great-Grandpa Lang who died when she was seven; she remembered him because his was the first funeral she ever attended. Next to him was her great-grandmother's sister, Lea, who died two years after Great-Grandpa Lang. There were two others that she recognized from the heritage book, but she didn't remember their names.

"I don't understand; how are all of you here?"

"We are here for you, dear; we knew that you would need us. Let's sit down and get acquainted; we will be here together for quite some time."

After spending about two hours with her ancestors, Buffy was sure that she would like this arrangement and there would be much that she could learn from her relatives and much that she would be able to accomplish while they were here. As for where "here" was, Buffy asked, "This place, this house that we're in, is not actually on earth, is it?"

Aunt Lea explained that they teleported her to the front walkway leading to the house as soon as she closed the door of her house in Sunnydale. She had actually passed through a portal that they opened that led to a sort of dimension within earth's dimension that was established by the Powers to assist people like herself who had been in paradise for centuries and were forcibly retrieved.

This was not the first time that someone dared breach heaven and extract a member of their family. While it didn't happen often, it did happen. The last time it happened was a couple of centuries ago earth time. A bereaved daughter sold her soul to have her parents retrieved.

Buffy learned that things didn't go exactly the way the daughter had hoped. It took many earth years, but the parents were eventually able to adapt to earth's environment. Of course this was long after the death of their daughter. After the parents returned to earth, they lived out their lives in peace and solitude.

Understanding that as she adapted to this environment, she would be able to more and more stand earth's environment, until eventually she could return and live without the pain, Buffy was sure that she didn't want to return until she could stay on earth for good.

It would be too painful emotionally to see her friends and loved ones and have to return when the pain got to be too much. She wouldn't be able to stand leaving them again, especially...especially leaving Angel again.

"How long will it take me to adapt? What will I do in the meantime?"

"As for how long it will take, it varies, depending on the individual. What you will do here is limited only by your own imagination. Come. I'll show you what I mean."

Buffy followed her grandmother into the next room. It seemed to be a replica of a room in the house that she grew up in with her parents in LA; her mother used to call it her 'room of dreams'. It contained many of the paintings that her mother had done when Buffy was little girl.

Since they moved to Sunnydale, Joyce didn't paint any more. She assumed it was because her mother was so occupied with trying to earn a living for them by making a success of her art gallery. Buffy wondered why her mother hadn't tried to sell her own paintings; they were, in her opinion, quite good.

"How did you get mom's paintings here?" Buffy asked her grandmother.

"Joyce never went back for them and your father didn't seem to want them around. We decided to take them from the attic in his house and bring them here for you; he'll never miss them. Take a look under the canvas," she said pointing to the only painting in the room that was covered.

Buffy approached the painting and removed the covering. It was an unfinished painting that her mother had started; it was to be of Buffy on her swing in the back yard showing a guardian angel hovering above and painted from Joyce's eye view as she watched her daughter play. She recalled that her father had said that the painting looked like it would be one of Joyce's best works. That was before the trouble between her parents started. A sad smile touched her lips as she remembered what a happy family they had been.

Buffy turned away from the painting. "I know what I want to do first," she told her grandmother; "I want to finish mom's painting."

"Oh, Buffy, your mother would be so pleased." She walked over to the window and said, "Look outside."

Buffy was amazed at what she saw; before her was her back yard in LA complete in every detail as she remembered it, a bright sunny spring morning, flowers in bloom along the back of the house, the gazebo, the pond with fish in it and most amazing of all was a young Buffy on the swing with two long blond braids flowing behind her as she went higher and higher on the swing.

She turned a questioning look toward her grandmother who chuckled and said, "I told you, 'you are limited only by your own imagination'." She put her hand out to Buffy. "Come; There are a few more surprises for you in your room."

Buffy was excited now; she hugged her grandmother and the two of them headed for what turned out to be her wing of the house. "This whole wing is for me?"

"Of course dear. The first floor is for the family, but other than that each of us has our own private space in the house."

Buffy tried not to let it show just how overwhelmed she really was.

Part 2

Buffy spent the next few weeks getting acquainted with her relatives, the house and the surroundings. It turned out that the house was located on an island that she could explore at her leisure, which she did. Some days she would leave the house after breakfast and explore, not returning until late in the day. She found a wide variety of berries and nuts to eat and the water surrounding the island was cool and refreshing. Sometimes she would take a nap in a some little glade that she came across.

One day she happened upon a large deer, a doe and a smaller deer that she assumed was a baby, a fawn not more than a few weeks old; the family was drinking from a small pond. They were startled at first and she thought they would run away, but when they saw her sit down on a nearby log they did not perceived her to be a threat so they continued drinking. When the smaller deer noticed Buffy eating, it walked over to her. She offered the hand containing a few nuts and berries which the fawn ate right out of her hand.

'This is as close to heaven as I can expect to get in this lifetime,' Buffy thought to herself; 'I can definitely live with this.'

She wondered then, why closeness of the animals and the vegetation on the island did not cause her pain.

'Nice going, Buffy; if the Powers created this place, then, of course, no one would be harmed here.'

Part 3

And so, life continued for Buffy, her relatives and her animal friends on the island. At Grandpa Lang's suggestion and assistance, she spent some time training everyday. It turned out that he had been a watcher at some point in his life. He taught her maneuvers that she had not seen before and the new weapons that she learned to use were awesome.

'Giles would be proud of Grandpa Lang...and me,' she thought to herself.

Buffy finished her mother's painting and labeled it 'Guardian Angel'. She thought her mother would like that. She created paintings of her relatives in the house with her and of scenes from their island paradise; from memory she created paintings of her friends in Sunnydale and her mother.

Her favorite was a painting that she did of Angel; it showed him the way she imagined he would look when he was truly happy, without the burden of Angelus' deeds weighing him down. In the painting he was smiling, not that sexy little half-smile that she loved so much, but a full-faced happy smile that she was sure she had never seen on Angel's face; he was sitting down and holding a little boy on his knee. She painted the little boy to look like a mini-Angel with the same smile, same hair and same beautiful brown eyes.

Looking at the finished painting, she couldn't help but think, 'I know that Angel would make a wonderful father.'

She really did miss her friends on earth and she often wondered what happened to them; she hoped they were living happy and productive lives. She wondered if Willow and Tara were still together and if Xander and Anya ever got married. She smiled at that thought. They would have the cutest kids. She wondered if Cordelia made it as an actress and if Gunn was still working with Angel. Angel. She often thought of him and wondered how he was, if he still loved her, or if he had found someone else. She wanted him to be happy, but it broke her heart to think of him in love with another woman.

End of Chapter 2


	3. Life Goes On

Who Am I Now

Chapter 3 – Life Goes On

Part 1

In the meantime life also continued on for the residents of Sunnydale and Los Angeles.

Tara moved to LA and enrolled at UCLA when she and Willow broke up and Willow left Sunnydale to attend an Ivy League college on the east coast. Xander and Anya got married and had a large family. Giles and Faith worked well together as watcher and slayer; she and Spike became friends and he often backed her up on patrol.

Members of Angel's AI Team allowed him the space he needed to once again grieve the loss of his mate. Finally, following Wesley's counsel, Cordelia ceased being so demanding and allowed Angel to progress at his own speed. Angel and crew accepted control of Wolfram and Hart when it was offered and were more or less successful in making positive changes at the company.

Cordelia enjoyed moderate success as an actress, but was still hindered by the visions that she received from Doyle, Angel's former messenger from the Powers.

Thanks to Faith's influence, Angel and Spike actually progressed to the point where they could tolerate each other's presence. They weren't friends by any means, but in Faith's mind at least this was a step in the right direction.

Part 2

With help from Spike, Angel and his AI team, Faith was able to defeat the First Evil in its quest to rid the earth of the slayer line and the Watchers' Council. To do this, Faith had Willow take the scythe that the slayer retrieved from Caleb, the First Evil's primary servant, and use it to activate all of the potential slayers that had either been brought to Sunnydale by Giles or sent by their watchers for protection. After the battle, the new slayers were either returned to their watchers to complete their training or Giles found new watchers for them. After that, there was a lull in activity on the hellmouth and Spike decided to pay his grand-sire a visit.

Unfortunately it was during that time that a heavily manned and well orchestrated attach on the slayer ended Faith's life. When Spike returned to Sunnydale, Giles had already left for London and Xander had few details on what had happened. Also, no one knew what had happened to Faith's scythe; unknown to everyone, the scythe disappeared when Faith died.

Between Spike and Angel they were able to find out who was responsible for the attack. To their surprise, it was the Order of Aurelius. They also learned that the Order was now after Buffy who was their primary target all along.

Part 3

As Buffy progressed in her stay on the island, she was able to venture back to earth for brief periods of time. During such times she would always contact Giles to let him know how she was doing. He was pleased to hear that she was continuing her training and, of course, he promised to do research to learn about Grandpa Lang's history as a watcher.

During one such time he informed her that Angel had started a 'liaison' with a young woman. Buffy was hurt by this, but she acknowledged to herself that Angel deserved to have female companionship, that she could not expect him to wait for her forever. Giles fudged the truth when he told her that he did not recall the woman's name when it was in fact, Nina, a werewolf that Angel had rescued.

Buffy eventually progressed to the point where she was able to return to earth. Her relatives on the island were both happy and sorry to see her go. Instead of returning to Sunnydale, Buffy chose to go to London and stay with Giles for a while. She was shocked to see how much Giles had aged, after all, she had only been away for a little over two years.

"Buffy, you left us more than ten years ago. Your friends from Sunnydale are all married with families of their own."

Tears sprang to her eyes. She had missed out on ten years with her friends. They had moved on with their lives and had probably forgotten about her.

Giles put his arm around her shoulders. "I know what you're thinking, Buffy; they haven't forgotten you; they love you as much now as they did the day you left. I dare say they love you more because of what you had to endure because of them."

"I don't blame them, Giles. I did at first, but not anymore. I know that what they did was done out of love for me. I just couldn't be grateful for it at the time."

When they found out that Buffy was back, Willow, who now owned her own computer software development company, along with Xander, who owned his own construction company, Anya and their kids and Tara, who had reconciled with Willow and shared ownership of her computer company, came to London to see Buffy.

And what a reunion it was. There were hugs and tears and more hugs and tears and then giggles and laughter as the friends got reacquainted. The kids adored Buffy and were excited to finally meet their aunt who was a slayer. They agreed to keep in touch when they separated at the end of the week.

During the entire week Buffy didn't ask about Angel and no one mentioned him. She decided that at this point she did not have the right to interrupt his life; she would not contact him.

End of Chapter 3


	4. Late Night Phone Call

Who Am I Now

Chapter 4 – Late Night Phone Call

A/N: In this chapter double equals (== ==) will indicate Angelus' words

Part 1

Giles was sleeping soundly when he was awakened by his cell phone which he kept on his bedside table. 'Why would one of the children be calling me at this time of night? (He still referred to Buffy, Willow and Xander as 'the children', regardless of their ages.) Buffy, Willow and Xander are the only ones who have this number; what could possibly be so urgent that it can't wait until morning?'

He reached for the phone and fumbled as he tried to open it. Finally, he spoke drowsily into the phone, "Do you realize what time it is? This had better be important."

To say he was surprised at the voice that came over the phone line was a gross understatement. Even though he was instantly awake and alert, he was in no way pleased to hear from the caller.

Without preamble Angel spoke with a sense of urgency. "Giles, this is urgent; I know that you know where Buffy is; I need to get in touch with her right away. Her life is in grave danger."

Giles made no attempt to hide his dislike for Angel when he said, "Is that the best excuse you can come up with for waking me this time of night? What kind of danger could Buffy possibly be in? She is thousands of miles away from you."

Angel tried with much difficulty to hold Angelus in check and not allow him to reply to Giles. "The Order of Aurelius has declared vengeance on Buffy for the death of the master. Their childer are the ones who killed Faith. Some of them arrived in LA earlier tonight looking for Buffy. I need to know where she is _**now**_."

Giles was incensed. 'The nerve of him; if he thinks I will let him back into my slayer's life, he is sadly mistaken.'

"You have got to do better than that, Angel." There was venom in Giles' voice as he spoke. "Do you think I am stupid? I know that with the master and Darla dead you are now the head of Clan Aurelius."

Angel could feel Angelus closer to the surface than he had been since they found out about the threat against Buffy. "You call yourself a watcher? Darla wasn't the master's only childe; she was his youngest, yes, and his favorite, but certainly not his only childe; plus Aurelius himself has surviving childer.

"These are very old vampires who have made their home in the Orient for the past few millennia. They cannot be detected by a slayer or other vampires, only by another Aurelian and that has to be within a few miles; that is why Darla did not know they were still alive. Now are you going to tell me where Buffy is or not?"

Further angered over the fact that Angel was aware that such vampires existed and he himself was not, Giles was more determined than ever not to co-operate with Angel in any way.

"**No**." He almost yelled the word. "She is finally free from you and I intend for her to stay that way."

At those words Angel lost all pretense at decorum and spoke his mind. "You're a fool. As long as she wears my mark, Buffy will never be free from me. I have always allowed her to live her own life as close to normal as she could get it because that is what she so desperately wanted. I could have called her to me at any time, both before her death and after her recovery, but I didn't.

"If I call her now the other Aurelians will feel the call and they can get to her before I can because they can travel in _sunlight_. If anything happens to Buffy because you were too stubborn to let me know where she is, I will release Angelus. She is, after all, his mate as much as she is mine. Angelus will make you pay for causing harm to his mate; he will make you beg for death and by the time he finally kills you, you won't even remember your own name. **N**_**ow **__**where **__**is **__**she**_**?**"

Giles shivered in fear at the coldness in Angel's voice. He imagined that this must be what Angelus sounds like when he is angry. For once Giles let his love for Buffy override his hatred for Angel. His concern for her was obvious in his voice when he spoke again.

"How many of them are there?"

"Four in LA that I am aware of; there may be others, I do not know."

"I can call her cell phone; that is how we get in touch with her. She will get in touch with you at your office."

"Give Buffy this number, it is a secure line directly to me. When you call her, if you do not have a secure line, use your cell phone. I'm sure that all of your land lines are bugged by now."

Angel gave Giles the phone number and hung up the phone without another word.

'Did he say that they can travel in sunlight? How is this possible? I need to research these creatures, but first I must contact Buffy and let her know of the danger that threatens her.

'This threat must be very real; I have never heard Angel speak so forcefully or with such urgency before. I have to be careful. I cannot allow my feelings about him to in any way jeopardize Buffy's safety.'

Giles dialed Buffy's cell number. It rang four times, then went to voice mail. Without leaving a message, he tried again and the same thing happened. 'I'll wait a few minutes and try again.'

While Giles was waiting, his cell phone starting ringing. He answered right away and Buffy's groggy voice came over the line.

"Do you know what time it is? This had better be important."

"I'd say it's important. I just had an urgent call from Angel; he was trying to get in touch with you."

Panic struck Buffy as she became instantly wide awake at the mention of Angel's name.

"What did he want, Giles? What has happened?"

"I'll let him explain it to you. He gave me a number to give to you and asked that you call him from your cell phone. You must do it now."

Part 2

Without hesitating Buffy wrote down the number, said goodbye to Giles and called Angel. He answered on the first ring.

"Buffy, thank the gods, are you all right? Have you been getting any unidentified calls on your home phone? Have you noticed anyone following you?"

"Angel, I'm fine and no to the other two questions. What is going on? Giles said that he got an urgent call from you and that you were trying to get in touch with me."

Angel explained the situation to Buffy as best he could with as many details as he had available. His team was frantically researching a way to kill these vampires, but so far they had not found anything.

"I'm sure that the extra abilities that they have are due to a combination of their advanced age and some very clever magic, possibly similar to that which surrounds the Gem of Amara."

"If they cannot be killed by ordinary means, how do I defend myself? Most of the angelic powers that I had after I first got back are gone. Some of my slayer powers are enhanced, I assume because I've gotten older and I continued to train while I was away, but that doesn't sound like it will be enough against these guys."

Angel had to be truthful with her; she had to see the severity of the situation that she faced. "I don't have an answer for that yet. I want you to stay inside. I don't know whether or not they need an invitation to get in and even if they do, I'm sure they have already figured out a way around that."

"Angel, if they are almost as old as Ness was, has their appearance started to change like his did? If so, I can easily recognize them."

"That's just it, when they came here, they must have had a glamour on themselves because they looked like normal human beings. A slayer can't even sense them. The only way I knew they were vampires is because I am also a member of Clan Aurelius."

Angel gave Buffy the same instructions he had given to Giles regarding the use of her home telephone. Because there are other slayers in the world now, finding Buffy would be more difficult, but not impossible. The assassins may resort to killing every slayer they meet until they find the right one, or until they find one who is willing to give Buffy up in hopes of saving her own life.

Buffy was afraid now; Angel could hear it in her voice. "Angel, what should I do? With the number of slayers that are spread around the world now, progress is slowly being made in eliminating some of the most aggressive demons. I can't have these vamps launching an all-out assault on the slayers."

"I know, love."

The endearment had slipped out.

Buffy noticed the slip and her heart soared to think that Angel still felt that way about her, that she was still 'love' to him. She was glad that she was on the phone and not in his presence so that he could not see the hopeful expression on her face.

Angel hoped in his heart that Buffy was not offended by the slip up. He didn't say anything about it and neither did she; he simply continued as if no slip had been made.

"For some time I have had Wesley and the magic users here working on a spell that will mask your presence so that a vampire cannot sense that a slayer is near. The problem has been to develop it so that no signature is left that tells another magic user that magic is present. It is being developed particularly for you, but I'm sure that Willow will be able to adapt it for general use.

"I didn't want to say anything to you about it until we were sure that it works. Wesley assures me that it does. The problem is getting you here or getting someone to you who can work the spell.

"I am sure that the Watchers' Council facilities are being watched 24/7 and at this point I am not sure who can or cannot be trusted. This plan has been in the works since they felt Ness die, so we can expect that it is detailed and precise."

"How do you know this, Angel?"

"They came to LA looking for Angelus and had no qualms about revealing their plans to him. What they didn't know was that my soul was gone only temporarily and that Angelus would never give you up to them."

"Why not? He hates me."

==That's not true, Buff; you're my mate as well as you are the soul's mate. I will not deliberately cause nor allow any harm to you.==

"Angelus?"

==It's me, baby.==

"It's true, Buffy; I don't know what his true feelings for you are, but I do know that he did not give you up to the other Aurelians."

"How are both of you talking to me at the same time?"

"Until this threat against you has been neutralized, we have agreed to … time-share, so to speak."

==Yeah, Buff, I'm the brain and the muscle in this outfit; he's the diplomat.==

Buffy laughed at that.

=='See, she laughed at that. She likes me.'== Angelus spoke in Angel's mind.

'Maybe.' Angel replied begrudgingly. He was not fond of the idea that Buffy could possibly like Angelus.

"Buffy can you be ready to go in two hours? I am arranging transportation for you to a secure location. No one knows that I own it. It is completely stocked with food and supplies and has a secure phone line. Do not let anyone know that you are leaving. Okay?"

"Okay."

==And, Buff, this is important: Do not leave any trace of yourself there, nothing that can be used to magically track you.==

"A-All right."

"Are you alone right now? Does anyone live with you?"

"Yes, I'm alone. My roommate is a university student and she's away for the week."

"Good. I will call you back when your pick-up is ready."

End of Chapter 4


	5. Alone In The Woods

Who Am I Now

Chapter 5 – Alone In The Woods

A/N Angelus' words are in double equals (== ==)

Part 1

A rather nondescript automobile with black tinted windows was waiting for Buffy when her plane landed on an isolated airstrip in California. The person waiting for her at the bottom of the exit ramp merely said, "Good evening, ma'am, Angel sent me." He retrieved her luggage and escorted her to the car.

After driving for about two and a half hours, he stopped the car, got out and opened the rear passenger door to let her out. He pointed in the direction of the woods on the side of the road and said, "About a mile in that direction you will find a cabin; here is the key. Good luck, ma'am." With that he got back into the car and drove off.

"Swell," she grumbled, "he didn't even let me get my luggage. I'd be scared senseless right now, if not for the fact that I'm used to being out alone in dark spooky places at night." She reached to the back of the waistband of her jeans and patted trusty Mr Pointy. "I never leave home without you, my trusty sidekick." She couldn't help but smile to herself.

When she first approached "the resort," as Angelus called it, it looked like a rather rundown shack in the middle of nowhere. She unlocked the door and entered, her slayer senses on high alert; the door automatically closed and locked behind her. Using the pen light on her key chain, she located a wall switch near the floor and touched it with the toe of her right boot; barely-there baseboard lighting directed her to a hidden door that lead to the lower level of the dwelling. When she opened the door, the lower level was flooded with light and she found herself in a beautifully furnished two bedroom basement apartment complete with her favorite foods, clothing, toiletries and workout room.

'I should've expected no less from Angel', she thought to herself.

After three weeks of being isolated in Angel's hunting lodge, or his "home away from home" as he referred to it, Buffy was so antsy she couldn't stand it. Add to that the eerie sounds made by the Furies when they came to visit and it was enough to drive her bonkers. She really didn't want to complain to Angel, after all, he was doing this for her safety.

He called twice a day at the same time, at breakfast time in the morning and just before she went to bed at night. He didn't say anything about what was going on in the outside world and Buffy knew not to ask;.she also knew that something was wrong. The last time they spoke, even Angelus was subdued. They had both cautioned her not to neglect her training, which was kind of odd since they also cautioned her to never go near the windows and never go outside.

Part 2

The Watchers' Council building had been destroyed and rebuilt while Buffy was away and Giles was now head of the Council. He was in his office at the new Watchers' Council building in London. His office, the entire building in fact, much to his chagrin, was bright and airy and hummed with the latest machinery. He had fought a losing battle against Willow and Tara when they kept insisting that the new Council should be equipped with at least the latest computers and its own intranet to facilitate research.

These computers were located deep within the Council and only accessible by certain personnel. There was a completely separate computer system that had internet access and "all of the bells and whistles" (as Giles referred to them) of a modern corporate headquarters.

Support and maintenance of the computer systems and phone lines, as well as all other operations within the Council, were staffed by in-house personnel whose families had been absolutely loyal to the Council for many generations.

Still the whole technology vibe made Giles nervous and he voiced his opinion as often as possible. He had seen how easily a competent hacker, like Willow, could break into seemingly hack-proof computer systems and his feeling was that if Willow could get into the Initiative's system, then sooner or later, someone would be able to get into theirs. He would not be persuaded otherwise.

That is why he had not allowed information about the slayers, their families and friends, how they were called, where they were located or anything related to them to be entered online, even within the Council's own internal system. He would rather endure being called out of date and err on the side of caution than put any of the slayers at risk.

He was sure that he was doing the right thing.

Part 3

Madeline, the youngest of the Furies, was sent to London by Angel to pose as Giles' secretary once they became aware of the threat against Buffy. She rang his office to let him know that his first appointment for the day had arrived; she also cautioned him, in the secret code that she had taught him, that the men were not as they appeared to be because she could not get a reading on them. Even though the system that detected non-humans as they entered did not give a warning, Madeline knew for certain that the beings before her were not human as they appeared.

This put Giles on alert. After he received the call from Angel regarding the threat against Buffy, he was suspicious of every new person that entered the Council building. Without missing a beat, he thanked Madeline and she directed the two men to Giles' office.

According to the person that had called for the meeting a week earlier, a faculty member at one of the local boys' academies had been rescued by a young girl the previous night. When asked where she learned to fight, she had told them she received her training at the Watchers' Council and the school wanted to learn more about the Council's training program. Giles knew right away that the caller was lying. First of all, there was no slayer currently assigned to London and secondly, now that Giles was head of the Council, slayers were trained by their watchers locally, not at the Watchers' Council facility.

When the two men walked into the office, one of them tried to shake hands with Giles; he refused saying, "Forgive me, sir; I do not shake hands, germs you see."

When they were seated opposite him, Giles could see that they focused directly on his eyes, their effort at mind control he suspected. He avoided eye contact with them for the entire meeting.

The men did not stay long; once they could see that they were not going to get from Giles the information they sought, they left. Giles suspected that they would try the same scheme with Madeline, so as soon as they walked out of his office, he called his secretary on the phone and proceeded to complain about some work she had supposedly done the previous day. The men stopped briefly at Madeline's desk, but after hearing her engaged in a serious conversation with her boss, they proceeded out the door.

Madeline called someone to cover her desk and turned to enter Giles' office.

She closed the door and raised an index finger to her lips indicating that Giles should not speak. She checked the chairs where the men sat and a portion of Giles' desk that they faced; she found several miniature listening devices and handed them to Giles who crushed them with his paper weight.

"Those men were vampires, Rupert."

"Yes. I believe they were; I just don't know how they're walking around in daylight. Were you able to pick up anything from them?"

"I felt strong magic around them, I think that with the help of my sisters, we can remove it."

"Good, but first we must determine how many there are and where they are. Angel said there were four of them in LA when he first called."

"Have you heard from the slayer since the night you called her?"

"No. I just hope that he has her in a safe and secure place."

Giles hated Angelus (and therefore Angel) with a fiery passion, but he believed in his heart that both of them in their own way truly loved Buffy and that each would give his undead life to keep her safe. He still refused to view Angel's actions separate from Angelus' actions. After all, if Angel had been a more responsible adult, he would have never had sex with a seventeen year old girl. It was that action that freed Angelus who spent hours torturing him, so in his mind, they were both responsible.

"I will not seek her out," Madeline told Giles, "but my sisters just assured me that she is safe."

"Thank you." Giles breathed a sigh of relief. He knew that the Furies would do anything for Angel, so if he had them watching over Buffy, Giles could rest assured that she was indeed safe. He hoped that Buffy's slayer instincts didn't cause her to get so restless that she decided to do something foolish, like patrolling.

Part 4

After weeks of trying and not finding the slayer they were looking for, the Aurelians decided to up the stakes and proceed with Plan B; it was time for the all-or-nothing approach. They knew that if they proceeded with their threat to open the hellmouth, it would bring the slayer out of hiding.

So that is what they did. With the exception of Angel and Spike, Clan Aurelius gathered in and around Sunnydale and prepared for war. This war wasn't about world domination or showing who was stronger; they had established their position as the head of the vampire food chain centuries ago. This war was about revenge, revenge for the death of Master Ness and it was targeted at the slayer who killed him.

What their opponents didn't know was that Clan Aurelius didn't care about the Watchers' Council or the other slayers. They were interested in one thing – the humiliating death of Buffy Summers in front of their entire clan. Plans for this event had been well thought out and had been in the making since they first felt Ness die years before. The only thing that had put a kink in their plans had been the awakening of hundreds of slayers around the world. At this point in the game, even that would not deter them.

When Willow and Tara were not able to remove the magic that the Aurelians were using, Angel asked the Furies to try, but so far they, too, had been unsuccessful. Now they had to concentrate on containing the magic that was being used in an attempt to open the hellmouth. This magic was very old and very powerful and the Furies knew that if they did not succeed, the impact could be devastating, impacting more than just this dimension, but many of earth's human dimensions.

When she learned that Clan Aurelius was after Buffy, Drusilla joined them; she was looking for revenge because she blamed Buffy for stealing Angelus and Spike. When Angelus tried to get her to change her mind, Drusilla's response was, "The mean old slayer has stolen my daddy and my Spike from me; you are no longer my family."

The clan's magic users sealed off Sunnydale and the clan leader, Ristard, sent a human messenger to Angel with the simple demand - "Send in the slayer to face me or I will destroy everyone in this town come midnight one week from tonight."

They knew that after receiving such a message, there was no way that Buffy would not come.

She did come.

Angel, with all of the resources at his disposal, including the Furies, and Giles, with Council resources, were not able to prevent the inevitable confrontation between Buffy and Ristard.

Angel stopped his car just a few yards from the Sunnydale city line; he and Buffy got out. He held her so close, not wanting to let her go. He knew this would be the last time he would see her. In his mind there was little chance that Buffy could defeat an Aurelian that was nearly as old as Ness in hand to hand combat, especially when that Aurelian had magic on his side. He also knew that Buffy would not stay away; she would not allow the deaths of the residents of Sunnydale if she could at all prevent it.

Angelus had tried to negotiate with Ristard; he offered to take Buffy's place in the fight, anything to save the life of his mate. All offers were promptly refused without negotiations. He was told in no uncertain terms to have the slayer in Sunnydale by 10 pm on the night that Ristard had designated earlier or everyone in the city would be exterminated.

Before she left Angel at the city line, Buffy wanted to speak with Angelus.

"He is extremely angry, Buffy; I don't know if he can speak to you now."

==I'm here, baby; I'm here.==

Angelus' voice was hoarse and Buffy could feel the pain in him.

"I'm sorry, Angelus," Buffy apologized. "I didn't know what your true feelings for me were until it was too late. I want you, both of you, to know that I am not going into this fight expecting to lose; I am going to give Ristard everything that I've got and if I go down, be assured that your mate went down fighting with her last breath."

==That's my girl.==

Angelus' voice was stronger now, calmer than Angel had heard him in days.

==You send him to hell, and when you do, tell him I said, "Say hello to Ness for me."==

Buffy kissed him. "I love you both."

She turned away from him then, heading for the fight of her life.

Less than half a mile from the 'Now Leaving Sunnydale' sign an escort team of, what looked like, six men was there waiting. According to what Angel had told her, she knew that these were disguised vampires.

They escorted her to the site of the expected confrontation and Buffy was not surprised to find herself in front of Sunnydale High School. After she arrived, the residents of Sunnydale received a telepathic message to evacuate the town. They were told in no uncertain terms that only those leaving were allowed to pass through the magical barrier around the town, no one could enter and anyone that remained in Sunnydale after the midnight deadline would die.

End of Chapter 5


	6. Was It Just A Dream

Who Am I Now

Chapter 6 – Was It Just A Dream

A/N: In this chapter double equals (== ==) will indicate Angelus' words. Thoughts are in single quotes (' ').

Part 1

Buffy awoke mid-morning well rested after a good night's sleep. She couldn't remember the last time she had slept the entire night without waking up once. She had a nagging feeling about the weird dream that she had during the night, but she quickly dismissed it. She would call Giles later today and see what he thought of it.

After a long shower followed by a full breakfast and a second cup of coffee, she decided to call Willow and then Xander to check on the kids; she couldn't remember when she had last spoken with either of them.

When she couldn't find her cell phone, she decided to take a walk; it was such a beautiful day and she knew that she didn't have anything planned.

As she walked Buffy met several familiar people who greeted her warmly, chatted briefly and continued on their way. For some reason this struck her as odd.

She stopped by Wetherly Park and took a quick swing. She recalled the Hansel and Gretel incidence with her mother and she shuttered when she remembered April, the robot girlfriend that Warren Mears had built.

It was barely sundown when Buffy found herself in front of the Crawford Street mansion, which, for some reason, looked different from what she remembered. It had been a long time since she had been out this way, but maybe Angel was having it maintained in case he and his crew had to come to Sunnydale for some reason.

'It looks like someone has done some work on the place; it looks great. I wonder if anyone lives here.'

Buffy felt uneasy as she approached the mansion; she could have sworn that she felt the familiar tingle that told her that Angel was near. Before she got to the door, it opened and the man in the doorway demanded -.

"Who are you and what're you doing here?"

"Well hello to you, too. I stop by the mansion once in a while when I'm out this way. I happened to be out for a walk and decided to check out the place; anyway, what're you doing at the mansion, I didn't even know you were in Sunnydale."

"I live here, the question remains who are you and what are you doing here?"

Buffy was getting flustered at this point. "Stop playing games, Angel; you know who I am. I wasn't expecting you to be here and I know you weren't expecting to see me at the mansion today, still, I kinda expected a little warmer greeting than this."

.

"If you are the person you're pretending to be, then you know that we haven't seen each other in a very long time, mainly because Buffy's been dead for nearly fifty years.

Buffy felt as if she had been slapped. "What is this, your idea of a sick joke? Well it isn't funny. How could I have been dead for fifty years when I woke up in my bed in my house on Revello Drive this morning? It's true I couldn't find Willow or Xander, but Sunnydale is still the same, the high school, the Bronze, the park, everything. If it's been fifty years then how come everything still looks exactly the same?"

Part 2

Angel didn't know what to think. Could this really be Buffy? His Buffy? She looked and felt the same to his senses, but this could be a trick. This could be the First Evil or some shape-shifter posing as Buffy. In any case, he decided not to issue an invite into his home. He escorted "Buffy" into the garden where they both took seats.

Buffy looked around and wondered aloud, "When did you hire a gardener? Wait a minute. These plants wouldn't have grown like this in a couple of months. Angel what is going on?"

Angel didn't know where to begin. If this really was Buffy, he needed to explain to her what had happened since he last saw her, he just didn't know where to begin. Besides that, he needed to know where she had been during the past fifty years and why she looked exactly the same as she did when he dropped her off at the city line when she was heading to meet Ristard.

"Buffy, what is the last thing you remember before you woke up in your bed this morning?"

Buffy thought for a few moments, but nothing came to mind. That in itself was odd, she couldn't remember anything about yesterday, or last week for that matter. She didn't remember anything prior to waking up this morning except bits of a weird dream last night and kissing Angelus goodbye.

"That's odd; I don't seem to remember anything about yesterday...or the day before for that matter. I had a really weird dream last night, but other than that, I seem to be drawing a blank."

"Do you remember what happened with Clan Aurelius?"

"Not really. I remember that you dropped me off just outside the city limits when they threatened to kill everyone in Sunnydale if I didn't show up...I remember being met by half a dozen guys that I assumed were vampires, I couldn't tell. I don't remember much after that. Why?"

Angel wondered to himself, 'Buffy has been dead for nearly fifty years; what happened to her in that time and how did she get back here? Did someone wipe out her memory? That couldn't be because she remembers Sunnydale and apparently she remembers me.'

Angel tried to explain. "After the war, Sunnydale was rebuilt as it had been, down to the last brick, in your honor.

"What? Why? What war?"

"Buffy, you saved the people of Sunnydale, the world actually, and California wanted to honor you by rebuilding the town that you loved, that you gave your life defending."

"Gave my life defending? Angel what are you talking about? I don't remember dying. Where are my friends and my sister?"

'She doesn't remember what happened to Dawn? How much memory has she lost?'

"The last I heard Willow and Tara were in England with Giles because she had gotten too deep into magic again, I don't know where Xander is, he may have joined Giles and Willow. None of them were around during the war. Oz returned after the war started; he was injured, but I think he survived. He might still be in Sunnydale. Do you remember anything at all about allowing Dawn to rejoin her real family?"

"Vaguely. Now that you mentioned it, that seems to be coming back to me. What about this war? I take it that you fought in it."

"My team and I, Spike, Oz and many others fought to protect nearby towns, but the real battle was all yours. By midnight most of the town's residents had fled, the magical barrier around Sunnydale was reinforced so that no one could enter and no one else could leave. The rest of the Aurelians were trying to open the hellmouth while their leader, Ristard, challenged you to an all-out battle for control. Anyone else in Sunnydale after midnight would be killed. Three of the residents didn't believe anyone when people tried to get them to leave, they died in their homes one minute after midnight, burned alive by magic."

Buffy closed her eyes trying to fight back the tears. "Didn't anybody else try to convince them to leave?"

"We all did, Buffy; we kept calling their phones, trying to get them to leave. Mayor Levinson even tried to order them out, but it didn't work."

"Mayor Levinson?"

"You remember Jonathan, that guy that presented you the Class Protector award at the prom?"

Buffy nodded without speaking.

"You don't remember him after that? He became mayor after Sunnydale was rebuilt following the cave-in when Faith defeated the First. Anyway, they refused to leave their homes and they died in them.

"The fight between you and Ristard went on for hours. We could hear the fighting, but we could not get close enough to see any of it. We assumed that you won and after you killed him, the others gave up on trying to open the hellmouth, but the backlash, a result of the magic they were using, destroyed much of Sunnydale around the school, killing you and the remaining demons.

"For some reason the residents refused to allow your house to be occupied. Many of them swore that you told them in a dream that you would be back and asked them to keep your house ready for you. For nearly fifty years your house at 1630 Revello Drive has been maintained by volunteers and every week it has been cleaned and stocked with fresh food for you."

"This is unbelievable. Angel I wouldn't ask anyone to do that; you know me better than that."

"I know it doesn't sound like something you would do, but that is what they believe. For years Sunnydale, your house in particular, has been a California tourist attraction. Those outside Sunnydale don't know about the hellmouth of course, but they know a modified version of what happened here. As far as the rest of the world knows, the destruction in the town was caused by violent gangs hell bent on destroying the city and you were the only one standing in their way."

Buffy struggled, trying to wrap her mind around the information she had just been given.

"Ange1, remember I told you earlier that I had a really weird dream last night? At least I think it was last night."

"What was the dream about?"

"I don't know. All I remember is a voice saying something about 'all you have lost will be restored to you' or something like that.

"You still didn't tell me what you're doing in the mansion. (she looks at the building and the grounds) What did you do, have the mansion restored?"

"I've owned this mansion since I first came to Sunnydale; Charles Gunn, one of my two friends that are left, still lives with me, besides I couldn't leave here after I heard that you were coming back."

Buffy was stunned. She still wasn't seeing fifty years, because in her mind, Angel dropped her off at the Sunnydale city line yesterday. "Angel, are you telling me that you've been waiting for me for fifty years?"

Angel didn't understand her. Why did she find it so impossible to believe that he would wait for her?

"I'd wait for you for the rest of my life, Buffy. Forever. That's the whole point. Remember?"

Buffy remembered that Angel had once spoken those words to her, but that was a long time ago, besides everything changed between them once he left Sunnydale and moved to Los Angeles. She could remember her friends, Willow and Xander, Giles, her watcher, and her sister, Dawn. It's true some of those memories were vague, but that wasn't fifty years ago vague.

She remembered walking through the city today; things and people looked familiar and she remembered certain events, but not specific details. Whoever played with her memory did a crummy job.

"You say I've been gone for years, but I don't remember any of that. To me yesterday was kissing you and Angelus and heading off to face the fight of my life."

It hit her then. "Angel, where is Angelus? Why hasn't he said anything? Let him speak to me."

Guilt that he hadn't felt in a long time tore at Angel. Looking back on it, he did not know how he could have done what he did. He had to tell her the truth. After all, in the weeks and months following her death, it had been Angelus, more than anyone else, who helped him maintain his sanity, who talked him out of walking into the sun. He could never have considered Angelus and himself friends, but Angel had to acknowledge that he owed his demon a great deal. He had to tell Buffy about the part that he and Madeline, one of the Furies, played in harnessing Angelus, in silencing him.

Part 3

Angel recalled the events that happened following Buffy's battle with Ristard.

Began Flashback

Looking back on it, he had to admit that there were things that happened that he could not explain, things that made Angelus suspicious from the beginning. For example, the Furies had always been agreeable to helping him whenever he asked and his visits with them for strictly sexual release were always mutually pleasurable. He had always been aware of Madeline's tendency to be jealous of the attention he paid to her sisters on such visits, but he saw it as a boost to his ego and testament to his sexual prowess; he did not for one minute consider her to be serious.

Because he suspected that the Aurelians would try to contact Buffy's watcher and her friends in their attempt to find the slayer just as they had approached him and because the Furies knew how important Buffy was to him, it came as no surprise to him when Madeline volunteered to play Giles' secretary and her sisters volunteered to keep watch over Buffy; they also kept watch over her friends without her friends' knowledge.

What first made Angelus suspicious was the fact that the Furies were not able to remove the magic that surrounded Ristard before his confrontation with Buffy. These were the three oldest and most powerful women on earth and descendants of the original Furies; working together, there should have been no magic that they could not counter. Also, they could not contain the magic that was being used to open the hell mouth.

To Angelus, this was just wrong and after Buffy's death, he challenged the Furies by demanding to know why they had failed. It was Madeline's reaction that confirmed his suspicions. While the two older sisters were as puzzled as he was, Madeline was furious that he would even suggest that they had not done everything possible to save the slayer and the town.

Unknown to anyone else, while Madeline raved on and on about the injustice of Angelus' complaint, Gwendolyn and Adeline, the two older sisters, spoke telepathically -

**"I believe, sister, that we have found the source of the power that prevented our magic from working." Gwendolyn told her sister.

"Yes, sister, I believe that you are right. We must perform the ritual to verify the accuracy of our suspicions. If we are proven correct, we must perform the cleansing and never again allow Madeline access to Angel."

Gwendolyn agreed.**

Gwendolyn then silenced Madeline and spoke aloud to Angelus. "We must depart; when we return, we will have an answer for you."

At that the three sisters disappeared and Angelus spoke to Angel.

==I believe that Madeline is either in love with you or she thinks she owns you; in either case, I also believe that she sabotaged her sisters' efforts to counter the magic used by the Aurelians.==

"I don't believe that for a minute; why would she do that? I don't believe that she is capable of such a thing."

==Think about it. Who benefits with Buff out of the way?==

"Nobody. The Powers lose their best warrior."

==You are such an idiot.==

Angel and Angelus continued their argument. They were still at it a few days later when Madeline showed up in time to hear Angel say, "Angelus, just shut the hell up; I am sick of listening to you."

"I can silence him if you want me to."

Without thinking about it, Angel said, "Please do."

In an instant Angelus was silenced. Angel could still feel his presence, but he could no longer hear Angelus' voice. Before he could consider what that meant, the other two Furies appeared to take Madeline away.

"Noo," she yelled; "Angel, save me, please. I love you, Angel. I did it for you, for us. Don't let them take me."

"What are you talking about?" Angel demanded. "What do you mean by 'I did it for us?' What did you do?"

Angel finally saw what Angelus had been trying to get him to see and this made him as mad as hell, mad at Madeline and mad at himself for not listening to Angelus in the first place.

It was Gwendolyn, the oldest Fury, who answered him.

"At first Adeline and I could not figure out why our efforts to counter the Aurelian's magic were not successful. It seemed that the more we tried, the more something, or someone, was blocking our efforts. After it was all over, we had a chance to look back and analyze what had happened. There should have been no way for any of earth's inhabitants, no matter how old they were, to defeat our magic. We finally came to the conclusion that we had to have been sabotaged from within, by our own sister, and when we confronted Madeline, she confessed.

"She wanted the Aurelians to eliminate the slayer, because she wanted you for herself and she felt that the only way she could have you was to cause the death of your chosen mate.

"We deeply regret what our sister has done and we will work to have your mate returned to you, no matter how long it takes. You may continue to call upon us at any time, but you will not hear from Madeline again; you have our word."

End Flashback

The Furies kept their word – Angel visited many times for various reasons over the years since Buffy had been gone, but he had neither seen nor heard from Madeline since the day he learned the truth about her.

Part 4

The sound of Buffy's voice brought Angel back to the present.

"Angel, why won't you answer me? Where is Angelus?"

With much regret in his heart, Angel told Buffy what had happened after the battle in Sunnydale and how Angelus had been silenced. He ended with "I can still feel his presence, but I cannot hear him. I am so sorry, Buffy. I have apologized to Angelus many times over the years and I feel that he has forgiven me for my lapse in judgment."

Buffy's heart hurt so much after hearing what had happened to Angelus. One of the last things she had said to him was that she loved him; she still loved him. Ignoring Angel, she spoke directly to her demon.

"I still love you, Angelus. I don't know how, but I am going to find a way to give you back your voice."

Angel was hurt by Buffy's declaration of love for Angelus, but he did not let her know that because he did understand it.

"Buffy, don't make promises that you can't keep. I have tried for decades to get his voice returned, but I have not been able to find a magic user who could do it."

Buffy was not listening to him. In her mind she was examining options and, limited though they were, she knew that she would never give up until she had her demon back again.

"Angel, you said that only Gunn lives here with you. What happened to the rest of your team? Where are Cordelia, Wesley and Fred?"

Angel didn't want to tell her the details about what had happened between Cordelia and himself, so he spoke in general terms regarding life after she left Sunnydale and after her death.

From Angel's story of events, Buffy learned that Cordelia took her advice and pursued a career in acting. She was successful at first and had small roles in a few movies and eventually got her own television show. She was injured in a car accident one morning on her way to the studio and was in a coma for three months.

Angel had her moved to a coma care facility where she came out of her coma and, at her request, he had the mansion renovated and he and his team members moved to Sunnydale where Cordelia eventually regained most of her strength. She died about twenty years ago.

Once Fred finally made a decision between Wes and Gunn, she and Wes were married and they moved back to LA. Wes died five years ago and Fred now lives in LA with one of her great-great-grand-daughters and her family. Lorne left LA before Wolfram and Hart was destroyed and was never heard from again.

It pained Buffy to learn of Cordelia's misfortune and the fact that Angel had, in one way or another, lost three of his closest friends.

"I'm sorry, Angel; I know that you and your team were close, like a family, like my friends and I were when I was in Sunnydale."

Angel's face clouded over briefly as he remembered his dear friends.

"Where's Spike?"

"Here in Sunnydale. A few years after the war, he decided that he liked it here. He and Harmony have been together for years."

Buffy laughed at that; she remembered Harmony. "Really?"

"Really. It turned out that they were good for each other."

Buffy and Angel continued to talk for another hour or so when she announced that she needed to get back home. He offered to have her stay in the mansion, but Buffy thought better of the idea.

"Thanks, but I'd better get back."

She left the mansion and walked back to her house on Revello Drive. Everything was so very familiar. If what Angel told her was true, and she had no reason to believe that it was not, then this whole thing was like something out of a horror movie. What was she going to do?

Part 5

Angel walked back into the mansion, All he could think was that Buffy, his Buffy, was back, alive and well. Time must have dulled his memory of her because she was more beautiful than he remembered. Being in her presence was like it always was; he felt alive again, more alive than he had felt since the last time he held her in his arms.

He went to his special closet and pulled out an old trunk, one he had opened many times in the past fifty years. It was only during the time of Cordy's illness that he had avoided the trunk. It just didn't seem right to him to take strolls down memory lane with another woman on his mind when his wife was lying in bed sick.

But now that woman was here, alive; he couldn't get over it. The shock of seeing her alive must have rattled him more than he thought, because he just let her walk away, walk away without letting her know how much he had missed her, how much he still loved her, how many times he had pulled out this trunk of cherished mementos and relived every moment he had spent with her, including the day that he had the Oracles turn back.

"Another walk down memory lane?" He heard Gunn ask from behind him.

Charles Gunn, one of his few true friends and the only one surviving other than Fred, had been with him since before the war, since the days of Angel Investigations in Los Angeles, had fought by his side countless times over the years, was now an old man, somewhere around eighty years old Angel guessed.

Gunn had suffered near fatal internal injuries in their battle with the Circle of the Black Thorn and had fallen early in the fight against the hordes sent against them by Wolfram and Hart, but he had somehow survived. Along with Spike, they had found him barely alive after the battle was over and nursed him back to health. They also found Wesley who was injured and had not made it back to their meeting place behind the Hyperion Hotel.

At first Angel had thought to turn Gunn, but he knew that was something Gunn would never want. When Angel and Cordelia announced their engagement, Gunn decided to move out of the mansion to give them privacy. They wouldn't hear of it. He was reluctant at first, but Cordy and Angel convinced him to stay with them, after all he was family.

Gunn had never married. He had been close to Anne when she ran the teen shelter in LA, but her death had been too much for him. He had already lost his sister and Fred, whom he had truly loved, but after losing Anne, he never attempted another real relationship.

Angel was aware that Gunn knew about his 'Buffy trunk', had known about it since they lived at the Hyperion Hotel, but had never mentioned it until after Cordy's death.

Angel turned around to face him.

"She's back, Gunn."

"Who?"

"Buffy. She came back, alive and well, just as people said that she would."

"You don't seem too happy about it. I would've thought that you would be doing cart wheels by now."

"Oh I'm elated that she's back, but she said something to me that sort of put a damper on things."

"What did she say?"

"She said that last night she had a dream or heard a voice or something tell her that all you have lost will be restored.

"What if she's right? What if all of her friends and loved ones will be restored? Does that mean that Cordy will be brought back too?"

"You didn't tell her did you?"

"What?"

"You know what. You didn't tell her that you married Cordelia."

"No."

"Angel we both know that, even though she was your wife, your feelings for Cordelia did not compare with your love for Buffy. Even an outsider like myself could see that. And making sure that Buffy's name was never mentioned was just ridiculous. It's worse than saying that I'll never think of my sister if no one mentions her name."

"For someone who doesn't say much, you certainly are observant."

"Yeah, well Cordy did enough talking for all of us," he said remembering the brunette fondly.

"She did at that," Angel replied with a smile on his face. "She was a good friend."

"Yeah, annoying as hell at times, but a good friend."

Gunn paused for a few moments, then continued.

"She also wasn't stupid, Angel. Why do you think she didn't want Buffy's name mentioned? It wasn't for your protection as she insisted, it was for her own. As long as no one mentioned Buffy's name, Cordy didn't have to be reminded that she came second as an object of your affections. She knew damn well that she would never have been your wife if Buffy had lived. And you know it, too."

"There was never a question about that. Buffy owned my heart from the first time I laid eyes on her."

"You also didn't tell her that you delayed your Shanshu so that you could wait for her; did you?"

"No."

End of Chapter 6


End file.
